A week or so ago, someone commented that I was always keen to learn and that they admired that in me.
They’re right, I am. But it doesn’t stem from curiosity or intelligence or any of that stuff. I want to learn because I always have this feeling that I’m not quite good enough. I want to learn so that I can be accomplished and clever and good at things, but it always feels like that’s just out of my reach. And it’s frustrating.
It’s frustrating, for example, when I put work up for critique and people tell me they like it. Some weird little piece of me doesn’t want them to like it, it wants them to hate it and tear it to shreds so I can learn where I’m going wrong, get justification for why I don’t like it. I love critiques that pick up every nit pick, every tiny invisible bit of fluff, because I can learn from those. I can learn why it’s wrong, or at least find an excuse why it feels wrong to me.
And I like it when people tell me I screw up. For some strange reason it gives me a focus, gives me something to aim for.
Thinking back, I don’t know where this came from, why I’m like this. I don’t have a desire to compete, to be better than everyone else. And I wonder if I’m the only one who feels this way? Is this normal?
Hi! Found your blog through the Absolute Write forums.
Just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one who feels this way. I don’t share my work often. But when I do, and the response is “That’s good” or “I like it” or “I think it’s awesome,” I usually believe the person is just humoring me. Just telling me what I want to hear, perhaps because they think my ego is so fragile that the truth would shatter it to pieces.
My husband tells me that I should accept that–maybe–my writing IS good.
But self-doubt is the air I breathe.
Anyway, the reasons we seek “real” criticism might be different, I guess… but I do understand that what you mean when you say a part of you doesn’t want others to like your work.
It’s certainly not abnormal!!!
Most people have something that they want to achieve. Some people they’re bad mothers or wives if they don’t keep the house tidy. Some are driven to achieve in work or other areas.
I used to be dissatisfied with anything less than being the best but I learned true success is giving it your best shot and being happy with that
Depends too who your peer reference group is. Compare yourself to some of the bloggers around who can’t master basic grammar and you’ll feel like a great writer. Compare yourself to a bestselling author or award winning author and you will feel inadequate
I don’t think it’s abnormal per say… I do think that you sound as if you don’t trust the folks giving you a critique if they say they like it. I can relate because I remember back in college English classes — I was always ahead of most people (not being snotty — I just was) but anyway that does not in any way mean that I was the best or perfect, just ahead and hardly anyone but instructors ever gave me valuable feedback. Like what to improve or what might change for the better — etc. I was never aching for people to say, “You screwed up” but deep down we all know that others see what we can’t in our writing and we want that input. I think it is better to think positive though; maybe try to get over the “wanting to hear you screwed up” and settling for a good critique may be better in the long run.
Take care
If I get a good solid nitpicking critique of anything I’ve written, yes, I learn whatto look for in the next thing I write, or how to revise what I’ve written. It’s helpful, too, when I understand the critical distinctions between what I wrote, and the thoroughgoing critique I received. That feeling of not being very good at what I do, that you describe, is often there, but doesn’t bother me much anymore. I’ve separated the world into people who have an agenda that they want me to fit, and those who want the best for me–and the best from me. With the first group, I do my best to meet my own standards. With the second group, I hope, both of us grow.
I like the way you describe your desire to learn.
I tend to go on “learning vacations” and it confuses my coworkers who never quite understand. I got to education weeks at universities, or writers conferences. I do pack in a little cultural sight seeing, but in general, I go to learn something new, or at least be inspired.
Maybe it’s because I just can’t relax like normal people can, sitting on the beach with an umbrella drink. Then again, I used to live in Hawaii, maybe it’s because my life was like a vacation now I feel the need to get off my arse and do something–who knows?
I’m an avid learner and a competitive person. To learn is to breathe is to learn…
I tend to compete with myself more than anyone else these days. Pleasing myself is more important than pleasing others. However, I’d be lying if I said it displeased me to learn that one of my professors at my old U used to go about telling people I was a genius. (Granted, he likely thought I was because I was a shameless suck-up in his classes. Ha!)